If it doesn't make sense, oh well. I tried. And it sounded good as I wrote it, but it may be the medication talking. ;)
So, here are the rules.
Write a short story/flash fiction story in 200 words or less, excluding the title. It can be in any format, including a poem. Begin the story with the words, “The door swung open” These four words will be included in the word count.
If you want to give yourself an added challenge (optional), use the same beginning words and end with the words: "the door swung shut." (also included in the word count)
For those who want an even greater challenge, make your story 200 words EXACTLY!
***
The door swung open.
I glanced up as two men dressed in gray suits stepped inside. They studied my family as we ate dinner.
I didn't miss the silver handcuffs that hung from the first man's belt. My heart sped up as I hid my shaking hands under the table.
They knew.
"May I help you?" My father wiped his mouth with a napkin and stood, holding out a hand to greet them.
Both men stared at his hand until he dropped it.
The first man produced a piece of red paper from his pocket. "Raina Saline?"
My mother's gasp echoed through the room. I knew she was staring at me, but I couldn't look at her. I couldn't handle the shame I knew I would find in her eyes.
I stood, my hands clenched at my sides. "Yes?"
"You are under arrest. You will be transported to the detention center immediately. There will be no trial."
"Why? What has she done?" My father asked.
"Dad ... " I started.
The man who had spoken looked at me, his expression hard. "You have five minutes to say goodbye to your family." They turned to leave and the door swung shut.
64 comments:
Wow! Great set up. I love it!
I like this! "There will be no trial." Chilling stuff. Great job!
I really like it. I want to know what she did!
What a great scene. Like Jenny, I want to know what she did.
Awesome! Great scene!
Oh man! Not a cool situation to be in. This is awesome. Very intense and makes me want to bite my nails!
Awww Chantele, more please!
I loved it, I need to know :-)
Kafkaesque in that one moment: 'There will be no trial.' I want to know what she's done. Too intriguing! :)
But, what did she do?? Great job!
I like it. You write great flash fiction.
Love it! I wish you had written more!!
Nice set up! Good suspense and leads to the natural desire to know why this happened, and what comes next.
Obviously dystopian--very fun!
Fantastic as always! Tell us what she did!!! ;)
Good job, I'm totally wondering what she did although it sounded very nazi-ish to me, being taken in the middle of dinner maybe for no real reason at all.
Gosh, what did she do? How sinister! I loved it.
Great job :) You really captured the tension in just 200 words. Maybe cold medicine is your muse :)
AHH! That's not an ending, it's a cliffhanger! Okay, I guess it's a cliffhanger ending...nice job with both tension and worldbuilding in just 200 words.
Ooh, yes, chilling! A larger story to be told, methinks!
Oh, my goodness! Freaky! Talk about setting a dystopian scene in a few words! That was awesome.
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease tell me there is more!!!!! That was a packed scene if I have ever read one!
Nicely written. Does she escape out the back, or does she finish off her dinner and then hug her rents goodbye? Hmmm,....
Gripping! Way to grab me in just a few words.
Ooh, what did she do...what did she do?
Great tension! I love that there are so many takes on this challenge. It's amazing what comes to mind when you hear four little words :)
How can there be no trial? Must be dystopian. I wonder what she did.
Fun. Lots of mystery. Good set-up:) Pretty good for being doped up, too.
Good job, Chantele! I'm wondering what she did but it's almost better not knowing. :)
Oh, so now we're left hanging! I think you need to turn this into a 60,000 word story. This would make a great hook. And yay for you ending it with "the door swung shut."
AHH!
CHANTELE!!!!
When are you going to write the REST of it, lol?????
Nice job :D
Really great scene! Thanks for sharing.
Ohhhh chills! Love it!
Thanks, guys!! :D
This feels like it could be the beginning of a very cool dystopian. I love the "no trial" aspect. Great job!
Wow, Chantele! Very Hunger Games-esque. I hope this is inspiration to create a longer story.
What the heck did she do? I definitly want more. Good job. Mine is #72
Hi Chantele
I’m a fellow campaigner and for this challenge I have been given ten blogs to judge and asked to short-list five. I really admire the directness adn simplicity of this piece as well as the pwerful emotion and so you are on the shorlist!
I have informed the powers that be.
Well done and good luck in the next round.
Ali B
http://debutnovelist.wordpress.com
fun! Great tension. I'll have to read some more entries.
Great Job! Now I want to know what she did. Great flash fiction piece!
What cold medication is that? I need to get myself doped up on that if that's how creative you can be!
Great fashioning of the middle of the story - she already knows what she's done, obviously. You get us curious on both sides.
Guys, you are so awesome. Thank you so much! I'm heading around reading all of your entries and they ROCK! I love how many creative stories can develop from just 4 words!
Ack! You had me hooked, and now I want to know what she did! Congrats on being short-listed AND on having an agent! And thanks for stopping by my blog!
Great tension from the beginning. I love how she knew they came for her. And yeah I'm with a lot of others on this .... what did she do?
Ooh, no trial? harsh stuff. I want to find out what she did! Great job with this!! :D
But... but... what did she do? You're killing me here!
Interesting! I want to know what she did, as she seemed to know it was coming.
Nice! I like the tension of the scene, and keep wanting to know what she did! I hope this becomes part of a bigger story!
@AliB Coolness! Thanks for letting me know!! :D
No trial? This is frightening. Great job.
Nice set up! I'm wanting to know what she did!
Oh my! So intense, emotional, scary - it's killing me! You did such a fantastic job of setting the mood and portraying the characters through mannerisms, details, etc. - I felt like I was right there going through this with them. Great job, friend!
Chantele, that is nothing short of awesome! Love it. It gets my vote.
Well written. Great job! :)
I think the eeriest part about this was the fact that they watched them eat dinner... normally, you'd think they'd bust down the door, weapons out and state their business right away... you put in a calm before the storm :)
There's a fabulous story lurking in this piece. Great job!
Someone's been a naughty girl or wrongly accused, I just can't decide which. Great job at keeping me guessing!
Thanks for leaving us hanging! LOL. I want to know what happens next--and what she did that got her arrested!
Thanks for coming by my entry. :)
Hey Chantele, congratulations on being a Finalist in my First Campaigner Challenge! I was given a list of the top 12 entries, as judged by the legion of judges, and I've since decided your place (and thus your prize).
You've come in Twelfth Place out of 384 entries - well done you! I'm with all the others, I want to know what she did and whether it was something really bad or if the establishment is just out to get her!
Well done again - make sure you pop by my blog to see what you've won ;)
Hugs,
Rach
Congrats, Chantele!
@Rachael Harrie Thank you so much!! :D
@Jordan McCollum Thanks!! :D
Congrats!
Congrats on your win!!!
What?! That was crazy...what did she do? Why no trial? You hooked me. great story...congrats on your win! Yay!
Guilty! Loved how the story just flew from door to door. Well done and congrats!
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